New Mom: Personal Reflection: Lessons and Experiences

"This will be my greatest Soul Adventure yet!"

Me at 40 weeks pregnant  image by Malaika Brook Smith Lowe

"I feel grounded, our hearts are tied together and I no longer fear the commitment"

A few weeks ago I became a mother. It seems insane to think of myself this way although I had 9 full months of pregnancy to get used to this fact. Before I gave birth I had a distinct floating feeling  I was not settled or trying to put down roots. I did not want to commit fully to anything because I felt like it would imprison me. Now as I sit and type this blog post, slightly (who am I kidding) sleep deprived, I look at my daughter sleeping beside me and true to the cliche "I could not imagine life without her". I feel grounded, our hearts are tied together and I no longer fear the commitment. In fact commitment no longer feels synonymous with imprisonment. 

It seems strange that during my pregnancy I never thought to  thoroughly prepare myself mentally for the practicality of being a new mom. Sure I gave thought to the type of parent I wanted to be generally and the values and lessons I wanted to pass onto our child but I did not really think about the fact that I would  be doing something entirely foreign to me and that it would be so all consuming (I literally talk non stop about my baby and her latest and greatest diaper surprises...as well as making everyone listen to her farts which amuse me so). I have not been around babies since my teenage baby sitting days and even then I was never around them for more than a few hours. It is a completely different ball game (obviously) when it is your own child.  It is a steep learning curve!

"What a rush! I just felt so much love! "

During labour I felt empowered. There was a bit of a scare that I would not be able to deliver naturally and so I was so happy to actually be doing it on my own with as little intervention as possible. I remember shouting at the doctor and midwife saying how amazing it was and also shouting at my daughter like a motivational personal trainer "we can do this!...we are amazing!...we were born to do this!!". It seemed like the actual delivery process did not take that long, in no time my slimy, screaming, and wriggly daughter was in my arms for the first time. What a rush! I just felt so much love! 

Once we got home that real mommy deal began. I was so lucky to have my partner, parents and close friends around to support me. Just having my dad awake and watching movies as I got up during the night to nurse baby made it feel less lonely. During the first week when baby was about 4 days old I spent my first day alone with her. That day was the first time I cried because I felt so overwhelmed when I tried to take a shower (never thought that would feel like a mission) and all she did was fuss although it seemed like all her needs were met (clean, fresh nappy, cuddled and fed). It did not help that I was starting to feel the onset of baby bed fever due to (and it gets a bit TMI at this point) engorgement.

"Becoming a mother for the first time is like taking a bus in Grenada for the first time, you are mostly hanging on for dear life while  attempting to look composed (and failing miserably)..."

Becoming a mother for the first time is like taking a bus in Grenada for the first time, you are mostly hanging on for dear life while  attempting to look composed (and failing miserably) and sometimes looking out the window in awe at its natural beauty. You sway from just looking at your new born bursting at the seams with love to feeling completely overwhelmed (which may or may not lead to uncontrollable crying and apologising...that part does not usually happen when taking a bus in Grenada). I  have learned that this is completely normal and also heavily influenced by the sudden hormonal changes a mother experiences just after birth.

It has taught me to act quickly and deliberately when getting things done not directly baby related, for instance showering or eating. I  have also adapted the habit of multitasking (still in the learning phase).There seems to be little time for just being because there is so much I need to be doing. My time is spent feeding, comforting, singing to, cleaning and staring at our beautiful daughter .When she sleeps, I better find myself in bed  or some horizontal surface for at least 1/2 of the time she spends knocked out because I just never know what the future holds on the sleep front, my time is hers entirely and that is a huge paradigm shift for anyone used to being on their own beat.

"I am learning to not feel shame about dependence in a time where independence and the mantra " I don't need anyone" is glamourised and valued above all else, especially for women"

Before I gave birth I was warned not to try and be "super mom" and to accept any help that is offered. It was hard at first because I felt like I pretty much had it under control. I even said to my partner that I thought that in the beginning of parenthood a father could not be of much help because of how dependent baby is on the mother (we are the food supply you know!). However, when sleep deprivation took its toll and I was "zombie mom" a helping hand was never refused, and, I also learned to ask and that that was okay. It is at this time when I really appreciated a good support system because although  I could technically do it on my own (as so many mothers have done and are doing....major respect!) having a helping hand, or a listening ear, or a cooked meal being fed to me as I feed baby (yes my amazing mother did that for me) or just feeling supported becomes very important and my ego has had to take a back seat...or better yet it saw itself out the door while I nursed my milk vampire baby for hours on end. I am learning to not feel shame about dependence in a time where independence and the mantra " I don't need anyone" is glamourised and valued above all else, especially for women.

I know this blog post is very different from what I usually post (but I have a sneaky feeling that mommy posts will not be infrequent from here on out and we all just have to be okay with that). I have been very deliberate in keeping my pregnancy off social media because I was not ready to share something so very personal and life altering until now. This exercise in deliberate none sharing in a culture of sharing almost everything with complete strangers gave me a lot of perspective and has changed my social media habits.  However, there is merit in sharing our experiences online. I have been watching new mom vlogs on youtube a reading in forums and blogs about the experience of becoming a mother for the first time. It is reassuring knowing that I am not alone, and, that the emotions, experiences and challenges I had and have are not unique to me.  As that old german saying goes "A master has never dropped from the heavens". This will be my greatest Soul Adventure yet!

Are any of you new moms? Tell me about your Soul Adventures of mommyhood, I would love to hear from you.

Peace and Bliss from me and baby,

Grenada Soul Adventurer